Recovering Narcissists? : DecidingToBeBetter
Somewhat background: I joined Reddit very not too long ago and handiest simply began the usage of it incessantly as I’ve put myself on a smash from different social media.
One of the primary subreddits I joined used to be r/raisedbynarcissists— I used to be raised by way of a shockingly abusive mom and an enabling father, and feature been in treatment/ restoration for a number of years.
Just lately I used to be banned from r/raisedbynarcissists, as I made a touch upon a submit that urged that I might determine as a self- mindful narcissist, and looking to get well from this as neatly… (I had an excessively critical suicide strive in 2014, at which level I used to be given a “soft diagnosis” of NPD right through my two week/ involuntary hospitalization, at the side of Bipolar II, and main despair).
Mentioning this in a remark (I didn’t point out the suicide strive or NPD), violated the foundations in their sub, as they don’t permit narcissists, or people with a Cluster B Personality Disorder Diagnosis (excluding BPD), to take part (aspect bar, somebody with any revel in or wisdom of Personality Disorders is aware of that they overlap— therefore the clusters— and I’ve met the diagnostic standards for BPD in my lifestyles, as neatly).
So I’ve been banned, and redirected to this sub.
I’m now not positive why I’m penning this out— I don’t have many buddies, and I’ve been out of touch with my circle of relatives for nearly two years (I made up our minds to head no touch with my mom, and handiest very intermittently keep up a correspondence with my dad, and not about the rest of substance).
I’m simply feeling in reality indignant and betrayed. Maladaptive personalities/ issues stand up from aggravating/ abusive childhoods. This looks like a double betrayal, or, like I’ve been rejected by way of individuals who, till my banning lately, I felt that I in reality recognized with— r/raisedbynarcissists made me really feel so much much less by myself, and now/ at the moment/ I couldn’t really feel extra by myself. When you’ve been raised in aggravating/ abusive households, you’re informed at all times that you just will have to discover a “chosen family”/ circle of relatives of selection. The banning looks like/ is reinforcing emotions I continuously have that I will’t/ gained’t have a circle of relatives of selection— that nobody desires me— that I don’t belong anyplace.
So I’m suffering with numerous very unfavourable ideas at the moment— I’m in reality an excessively unhealthy individual, and looking to sq. that away with the in reality very unhealthy issues which have been carried out to me— the mod who banned me mentioned “I know this probably seems unfair, but you deserve love and support and healing.” I believe like they may as neatly were telling me to kill myself— I’ve a weight in my chest, like a stone. I’d say I believe heartbroken, have been a narcissist in a position to such feelings. The truth is that my delight is harm, however deeper than that… more than likely the nearest factor to feeling heartbreak, is what I’m feeling at the moment.
So having learn the sub’s regulations, I’ll ask for recommendation— if there’s somebody else in this sub who has NPD/ is getting better in some way that they’ve recognized themselves as an abuser, and is making an attempt to modify (I comprehend it’s more than likely an extended shot, as NPD victims are generally the final other people to hunt lend a hand of any sort or come to a decision to modify), have you ever had any growth? Have you gotten higher? How do you come back to phrases together with your previous, how do you are living with the data that you just’re a monster and the sector could be at an advantage with out you in it?
Thanks for studying— any/ all ideas/ recommendation welcome and liked.