I have never been able to study or paintings, no matter how much I wanted to. It’s the worst part of my life by a long stretch. I’ve managed this way so a long way, but I know I won’t be able to in the long term, so I need to fix
I’m 19, in my first 12 months at uni. Ever since I was once 14/15, I’ve been extraordinarily dangerous in phrases of finding out. I’ll take a look at my best possible to describe how I really feel, but it at all times sounds silly to me when I take a look at to articulate it. Sorry in advance, this is most definitely way longer than it has to be lol. Thanks on your time if you happen to do learn this 🙂
I are living maximum days, with the sole need to simply, fucking, paintings. It does not matter if the paintings is tricky, if the paintings is straightforward, if it is a 20-hour job, if it is a 1-hour job, if it is revision, if it is an essay, a quiz. Doesn’t matter if it is maths, if it is coding, if it is fact-memorising, if it is writing, if it is team paintings. It additionally does not matter if I’m running with buddies, or by myself, if I’m writing on paper or on a computer, if I’m in silence in my room, or in a library, or in a bustling espresso store, or out of doors. If I’ve had 12 hours sleep or three hours sleep. No matter what, I can NOT do it. I do not know why. I hate it. I will do actually anything as opposed to paintings, despite the fact that that is the something I need to do. I’ll be distracted by my telephone, so I put it away. Then I watch YouTube or browse Reddit on my computer, so I put it away. Then I doodle on my sheets for a couple hours. Or throw pen lids in the bin throughout the room. Or blank my room. Or have a long af bathe. Or cross to the fitness center, or a stroll. I will do any arbitrary, unnecessary job so long because it does not require much mind paintings. I know I’m greater than succesful of the paintings (my route is in fact simple so a long way, simply a lot of content material), if I have been to do it.
For my A-levels I did zero revision till the day earlier than, four days earlier than for the more difficult assessments, no extra. Despite telling myself DAILY to revise, for three months prior.
For each and every time limit so a long way at uni, if it is due in the night I’ve no longer began the project till the day. If it is due the morning I’ve no longer began till the day earlier than. If it does not rely in opposition to my ultimate grade I simply have not accomplished it in any respect. Because I’m continuously making an attempt to atone for forthcoming paintings I’m lacking lectures (my attendance is not up to 50%) – but then I won’t ever even atone for the paintings anyway.
For a particular instance: I not too long ago had a massive coursework undertaking, with 2 months to whole it, over Christmas. I knew I would put it off so I determined to set what I idea was once a practical function; I left house 1 week early earlier than time period began and a pair of weeks earlier than the project was once due to come to uni when noone else was once there. So no distractions, no one in my lodging to communicate to, I can simply blitz out the undertaking in a week or two. Guess what – I did exactly FUCK ALL, till 8pm the day earlier than it was once due. When I submitted it I was once shaking and sweating with nerves, I felt bodily unwell, I’d labored continuous for six hours and I simply despised myself. I were given a just right sufficient consequence, but may have accomplished so much higher while additionally being happier and not more stressed out. Even if I’d began five hours previous.
I in fact don’t care about my instructional efficiency when compared to others, or even about my effects in isolation. I care about the reality that there is this factor that I need to do and I CANNOT fucking do it, no matter how exhausting I take a look at.
I’m lovely positive I’m no longer depressed; I have many nice buddies from house and at uni, I do rather a lot and rather a lot of game which I love, I’m in the best possible form of my life. I hate how I glance but I’m at peace this and I realise it is a commonplace lack of confidence. My circle of relatives is fantastic and supportive. I’m financially high-quality (as much as I can be as a scholar). I have pastime for issues – drawing, sports activities, pictures, travelling and so on – and in addition my level. I love my route! I’m fascinated by it and I cannot wait to be informed extra about it – apart from that I never do. I’m lovely pleased with each and every part of my life aside from this.
Whenever I inform other folks this, they see me as lazy or lack of care (which is okay, I utterly perceive). But I care, it is all I need to be able to do. I do not like dwelling like this, I do not do it to appear “cool and carefree”, it is my largest flaw and I fucking hate it. It’s been five years and not anything’s modified, if the rest it is gotten worse, and I in reality in reality in reality do not know what to do. I know after schooling this will impact me massively; when my good fortune is left utterly up to me and my personal efforts, I have zero self assurance that I will prevail.
I’ve booked a speculative GP appointment, as a result of Google is telling me I have ADHD (I’m nervous about web self-diagnosing), but so far as that, I am solely misplaced. So any recommendation in any respect would be vastly favored 🙂